René Delavy

Waterboarding in the White House

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Waterboarding in the White House

Waterboarding in the White House"Gurgle-gurgle-gurgle --- sniff, pust, gasp, puff, whoop-cough, shnauf, keuch - gurgle...."

"Mister President, will you or will you not confess that you were..... will you now admit your guilt and…."

 

"Jesus, I confess, I confess anything you want - but stop me waterboarding - gurgle. Please, please don't do it again. I will tell you anything, just anything."

 

"Dear Mr. President. Is it true that you waterboarded Colin Powell before letting him talk scrap in front of United Nations?"

 

"We had to do it, me, Cheney, Rove, CIA and FBI. We had to do it, because Powell was not prepared to do his job. As you can see, we succeeded. Colin was telling the worst shit ever seen in this world in presence of all nations, their TV and Radio stations. It was a big success ------ Gurgle, gurgle, sniff, pust sniff, keuch, puff, gasp - gurgle --- what is that? I told you the truth and nothing but the truth, why do you continue waterboarding me?"

 

"Well, we feel that you are not yet in the right mood to tell us all we want to know. For example: Is it true that your bloody think tank around Wolfowitz had a finalized program about how to get possession of the Iraqi oil, well before 9/11?"

 

"This is a long and complicated story. The plan was there but my esteem points with Americans went down to the cellar and so we had to arrange some flights over New York…."

 

"Are you crazy, Mr. President? We know by now that the flights were performed by Arabs from Saudi Arabia, under the dictate of al-Qaeda, more precisely Bin Laden. So don't tell us lies."

 

"I am so afraid of dying from water that I am prepared to tell any story you want to hear. Even that 9/11 was our plan and the one of Bill Clinton. What do you want to hear?"

 

"Dear Mr. President: When you started your presidency with the help of your fathers Judges at Supreme Court, we had an immense state debt. You have tripled it in only eight years. Was this a plan to bring USA into bankruptcy?"

 

"Well this is a very complex matter. The Friedman doctrine of the Chicago Boys which is my sole knowledge about economics says: "Destruct any state like in Chile or Argentina or Mexico, turn down all social charges, lower taxes for the richest and salaries for the poorest, destruct all functions of state, privatise all enterprises belonging to U.S. Nation, 50 States, towns, communes. Go and globalise poorest Africa with IMF loans and heavy interest, bring Asia to its limits of growth with help of Worldbank and WTO, let down Swiss banks with derivative WEF, and see how France, Germany, in fact the whole EU will copy all our idiocies in economics - and you will have, sooner or later, a blank sheet. On this blank leaflet - and seeing how all people have become crazy from fear, we can rebuild neo-liberal, neo-conservative nations according to anti-Darwin religion, fine continuing the destructive lines of Ronald Reagan, in England the ones of Thatcher and Blair, in Germany of Kohl and Merkel, in France of Chirac and Sarkozy, in Italy of Berlusconi and his TV-channels, in Russia of Rasputin and Putin, in China of Hu and Wen, in India of the untouchable aristocratic richest VIP and in the rest of world by making stock exchanges tumble to the ground. It is very easy to have blank sheets, later on written full of shit. This was our goal and this was how we planned to become or stay the greatest hegemony in the world - high above Cesar's Rome, Hitler's Third Reich and Stalin-Mao's world Socialism."

 

"Mister President: Very wise plans. Especially placing new starting ramps for missiles in Eastern New-Europe, directed to Russia and China. Well, we think that we can stop waterboarding for a while since you are becoming more and more truthful. Tell us: wherefrom do you have all your tremendous wisdom? What sort of school have you gone through, when young? We learnt that you were always the guy with lowest marks, missed the Vietnam war with help of all father's junky-boys and got money with a silver spoon in your mouth from birth. So, what happened to make you the genius, you had become when in the oval office?"

 

"Well, first my father told me a few things. Then I was very impressed when Ronald said in an open microphone by accident: "Today we shall smash Soviet-Union and get rid of this bunch of communist junk!" Then Wolfi was just great, and Rovi and Cheney told me a few things and very helpful was Condy. It's her who gave me most of my superior spirit. Then sports and financing affairs in this connection were very important to learn the business of a crook. Finally, I came near to the top knowledge of Swiss bankers. With sports, you learn that losers are complete assholes and the winner takes it all. That lesson was excellent and could be applied to my country - if ever I would be elected President. Got it?  -   Gurgle, gurgle, sniff, keuch, HEEEELP! Gurgle - I said the truth, I swear, nothing but the truth…."

 

"We believe you, dear George, we from CIA-FBI know exactly when we have to board or not. Waiter, could you bring another bottle of mineral water? Thanks. Well, President, what you said so far is very helpful in understanding why our great nation went into bankruptcy, why millions of poorest died from missing health care, and other millions committed suicide when learning that old age insurance was emptied by collapse of New York Stock exchange. What shall we do with you, dear President, after having lost our hegemonial power altogether? It hurts to see Russia became the richest and most powerful State on Earth, seeing Cheney, Rice, Rove, Wolfowitz, Kissinger, Greenspan, Bernanke and some other types gone, on some distant islands in the Pacific or the desert around Mongolia. We have to know how all this could happen."

 

"It was not my intention. It just happened. Same with ecological catastrophes down in China when under dryness died some 300 million Chinese. It is not my fault if 150 million folks were drowned without waterboarding in Bangladesh - and some other few 100 million Indians starved from hunger, due to using maize and wheat for cars run in the USA. Who could ever have foreseen all those catastrophes? For recognizing all these things to come upon us, it would have needed a developed brain of higher IQ than mine. I have all excuses, it's not my fault, I feel innocent like Pinochet, Milosevic, Taylor, Stalin, Hitler, Mao, Fidel, Chavez…."

 

"Dear Mister President: Considering the State of Affairs you have arranged for our nation, we are very sorry to announce you that we have orders to be forcing some severe waterboarding for good. Since we have learnt the job in your torture camps, there is no way out - very sorry to say so, your Honour."

 

"No, help, I am innocent, I did not want it to happen, please have mercy, I won't do it again - gurgle, gurgle, platsh, bubble, boardy, boardy ---------------------

 

 

René Delavy, Berlin and Bournemouth

 

Author of "U.S. presidents are persons like anyone else" / "The Art of Waterboarding for innocents" / "Collapses may occur or not - who cares?" and some other odd tales on life as it is nowadays

 

 

 

 

 

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